


After Feros

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Colonist (Mass Effect), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mass Effect 1, feros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colonist Allyse Shepard takes the losses on Feros hard, but her crew is there to make sure she's alright after the mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Feros

**Author's Note:**

  * For [commanderinspace (tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=commanderinspace+%28tumblr%29).



> From a prompt by commanderinspace, as part of an exchange.

There was nothing about Feros that hadn't left its disturbing imprint on his mind. There was the massive waves of geth attacking, the casual indifference of Exogeni, the complete and utter otherness of the being that was called the thorian. The whole planet had been a disaster from beginning to end, though at least there was hope. Before they'd come, who knows what would have happened. It might have been a nice colony once, back when the Protheans inhabited the world. He wasn't sure if it would truly recover.

Kaidan's relief at leaving the planet was echoed by many of the Normandy crew. Though few had seen the remains of the thorian, word had spread like wildfire through the crew. Whispers ranged from 'glad it's dead' to 'a shame we couldn't study it'. None of those people had seen what it had done to the colonists, how Fai Dan had committed suicide in front of their eyes instead of giving into the mental control. So much about the place had just been wrong, especially with ExoGeni sitting on the sidelines observing when people were dying. Kaidan didn't trust them to do the right thing because it was right, but only because they could now be exposed by Shepard. It was a mess. He didn't want to leave the colonists in the lurch, but with ExoGeni sorted out and the thorian dead, they were free to rebuild their lives. He admired that resolve and spirit, but he was just as eager to get on with their mission.

Kaidan was exhausted after so much time on the surface, but he didn't have time to sleep just yet. His head throbbed with the beginnings of another migraine, and after the debrief on the Normandy, he headed straight for Dr. Chakwas. A little ice and a medi-gel could keep the migraine from fully forming. When he exited the medbay, they'd already left orbit and were headed away from Feros.

"Hey LT." Ash came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "How's it going?"

Kaidan smiled at her. "I'm alright. Glad to be off Feros right now. I can't imagine how much work they have to do and without Fai Dan to lead them it will be a tough road. Hopefully ExoGeni will make good on all of their promises."

"Yeah, it's going to take them some time to rebuild." Ashley said. "But colonists are hardy folks, otherwise they wouldn't volunteer to try and make it out on frontier worlds."

"That's true." Kaidan said. He got the feeling that Ash was coming around to a point, but he was so tired that he couldn't see what it was. "What's on your mind, Ashley?"

"Shepard's a colonist, right?" she asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "I think she's taking the death of the colonists a little hard. Might need a friendly ear right now, that sort of thing."

"You're her friend too. What makes you think Allyse needs me right now?" he asked.

"Because you're the one that calls her 'Allyse' instead of Shepard." Ashley quipped back at him. "Just make sure she's alright. She's in her quarters and she didn't look all that fine when she went in there."

Kaidan cracked his first smile since he'd come back to the Normandy. She was right, even if Shepard's name had only slipped out of his tired mind. "Sure thing." he said, and Ash started to walk away. "Hey Ash," he called after her, "thanks for the heads up."

"Anytime, LT." she said and headed back towards her station.

When Kaidan got to the Commander's quarters, the door were locked. A pass over with his omni-tool unlocked the door, though he wasn't surprised that he was on the short list of people she'd let into the room. 

Shepard was lying on the bed, one arm through over her eyes, the other dangling over the side of the bed. Her normally neat hair was spread out across her pillow, unruly and unbound. She didn't bother to look up when he came in, so Kaidan took the chair from her desk and moved it over to her side. He waited, watching her, not saying anything at all. The tension that radiated from her was almost palpable, her jaw too set for her seemingly casual position.

"Did you need something, Kaidan?" she finally asked from beneath her arm, still not looking at him.

"How'd you know it was me?"

Shepard grinned, but it was more grimace than smile. "Only you would have opened that door. Joker would have overrode the locks from the bridge and called down to me and Liara would have knocked. Wrex would have bellowed if he needed anything. You get the picture. So, did Ash send you?" she asked, sitting up on her side, propped up on one elbow.

"Yeah. She was concerned. So am I."

"Noted."

"Commander, if you don't want to talk, I can go." he offered. It wasn't going to help anything if she didn't want to talk. Some things needed to be worked out alone. Kaidan got the feeling that this wasn't truly one of those times, so he waited for her answer before making a move to leave.

"I can't really explain how I feel." she said. Her face turned away from his gaze to contemplate the wall for a while. Allyse breathed carefully, he noted her closed eyes and the measured rhythm of her inhalations. "Seeing colonies like Feros damn near destroyed is always hard. It doesn't get easier, not for me."

"It wasn't batarian slavers." Kaidan pointed out, but even to his ears that seemed like a paltry balm to soothe a wound that went deep.

"Does it matter? Geth were there to kill. The thorian was enslaving minds. It was a horror show."

"Allyse, it does matter. We saved those people. You saved them. It mattered." Kaidan insisted, leaning in close enough to clasp her hand between his own. 

"Maybe." she said and went back to laying on her back. She still held his hand for a while, but neither of them spoke.

"No one else could have defeated the geth. We're the ones tracking them and the ones best equipped to take them down. Feros is safe and ExoGeni will provide more support. The thorian is dead and no one else has to live as its thrall. The colony lost people, but they didn't lose everything." he countered. Nothing was a complete victory, not like in the stories, but Kaidan was convinced that the whole population of Feros would have been wiped out if not for their intervention.

"Hrnk." It wasn't a complete disagreement, but the noise sounded like a cross between groan and snort. Not exactly eloquent, but he didn't expect her to be right then. At least she'd listened to him, for what it was worth.

He wasn't sure what to say next, and Kaidan absently ran his free hand through his hair as he thought. Nothing came to him. Small talk would be inappropriate, but there seemed to be little more to say about Feros. Colonists died all the time, but Shepard had been award the Star of Terra for saving a colony at Elysium. This was more than just a mission to a colony, it was personal for her.

After a while, she let go of his hand and rolled over onto her other side, her back facing him. He stifled a sigh, but it wasn't because of Shepard, but rather his inability to get to the heart of what was wrong and help the way she needed. They'd said so many things to each other - she helped him work out some unresolved stuff from his past, and got him thinking about a future - but he didn't know how to untangle her jumbled feelings right now. Allyse was always the strong, solid one, and he never thought about how to best counsel her, never really considered that she might need that from him, even after all of their conversations.

He stayed there, watching her back as it rose and fell gently with her breathing. The pressure in his head was building again, but Kadian put the pain aside. Fragments of sympathetic sayings and platitudes came to his mind, but none felt right to voice. When he admitted to himself that he could think of nothing more to offer, Kaidan got up to go. 

"Stay with me." she said, the words quiet and unsure in the darkness of the room. Kaidan turned around when he heard them.

She didn't speak again, but she didn't need to say more. He spared only one look at the chair he'd pulled up the bed, then bypassed it and lay down next to Shepard. With one quick swipe he set an alarm for the two of them on his omni-tool, then settled in. His arms went to bring her closer, wrapping around her huddled form as best he could. After a few seconds, she relaxed and sank into his embrace. All was dark and still and quiet as they began to breath in sync. He might not ever be able to find all the right words to comfort her, but he would always be there for her.


End file.
